After realizing that I wanted more posts on my blog to have a diary-entree vibe to them (shorter, personal and more fun to read), what better way to start than to talk about the complete 180 my mindset has had in 2018. I’ve stopped putting unnecessary pressure on myself and started to live my life. I’m enjoying the ‘now’ alongside working towards dreams…something that, this time 6 months ago, I could never see myself doing.
I touched upon the how 2017 went for me in my 2018 New Year Resolution post, where the majority of you could tell…it wasn’t my fave of all the years I’ve lived.
There was one concrete piece of positivity I could take from that post; something had to change to make me a happier person. I could change my lifestyle, my career, the tidiness of my room, the things I eat, whether I bite my nails or not etc. But for all these factors to indeed, change, big or small, there was one thing that needed to be done first. I HAD to change my mindset.
Reflecting on the type of head I had on my 22 year old shoulders, I can safely say that I was impatient which lead to a viscous cycle. Let me explain…I wanted everything to happen then and there, and couldn’t understand\get frustrated when it didn’t. Admittedly, I’m still an impatient person, but I’ve learnt to avoid the damaging, snowballing thought process of things not happening ‘fast enough’.
When certain aspects didn’t go my way, I started to overanalyze, criticise and doubt myself to work out what I did ‘wrong’. The 3 main ingredients in becoming demotivated and a right old negative nelly. It was a hugely toxic and abusive mindset to be in. If this is sounding familiar to your current mindset, please carry on reading as I want you to join me on the other side!
The destructive mindset towards the end of the year focussed mainly on a) being successful in my career b) also being successful with my blog & youtube c) moving in with matt (boyfriend) and starting our lives together which includes cats, comfy furniture and big holidays away. 3 HUGE DREAMS that can take YEARS to become a reality. But 2017 me couldn’t quite understand this and questioned (DAILY) why none of this was happening to me. What was I doing wrong? What wasn’t I doing enough of? Was my best not good enough? WILL I EVER MOVE OUT OF MY CHILDHOOD HOME?
All very ridiculous & damaging things to be questioning about myself, and I’m saying that in hindsight. At the time, it was all very real and extremely upsetting to me. So much so, that my life would pause, be put on hold almost. I didn’t want to go out and enjoy myself because I could be working towards another brand collab at home, editing or shooting. I didn’t want to get a gym membership because that money could go towards a new camera or renting a flat with matt. I didn’t want to watch everything on the Trending Now list on Netflix – correction – I DID want to, I REALLY wanted to, but that time could’ve been spent on something more ‘efficient’.
I basically wasn’t living my life due to the pressure I was putting on myself. No me time, no slowing down. Totally unhealthy.
But after redirecting my career and starting the new year like turning the first page of a crisp new Pukka Pad (with all the tabs/seperators ofc), I’ve started to stop, slow down and enjoy the ‘now’. I’ve accepted that good things take time and decided to live my life in the meantime. This might seem like an obvious way to be to some of you, but for someone who has spent years ~ all the way through school ~ piling endless amounts of pressure and damaging thoughts onto themselves, this was a bloody revelation.
So that brings us to now and how I’m going about my every day life. I’m going out and enjoying myself, I’ve spent money on a membership and joined the gym ~ which has been a dream for my wellbeing and overall state of mind ~ and most importantly, I’m giving myself some me time. I’m in a good place and needed to document how I’ve done a 180 in the way I think.
Let me know if this is all too familiar, if you’re currently putting pressure on yourself or if you’re in the same place as me. Would be great to know your thoughts!